


spoken and unspoken

by bookhobbit



Category: Jonathan Strange & Mr Norrell (TV), Jonathan Strange & Mr Norrell - Susanna Clarke
Genre: Angst, Bittersweet, Drabble Sequence, Holding Hands, Kissing, M/M, Present Tense
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-27
Updated: 2015-09-27
Packaged: 2018-04-23 14:38:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,177
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4880623
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bookhobbit/pseuds/bookhobbit
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>John Childermass and Gilbert Norrell, in one hundred words and twenty one moments. Based on the "Things You Said" prompt list.</p>
            </blockquote>





	spoken and unspoken

**Author's Note:**

> The prompt list in question: lilloury.tumblr.com/post/110395333021
> 
> I was very nervous about posting this because I haven't drabbled properly in years, but a few people on tumblr were nice, so I decided to put it up here.
> 
> Oh right. Tiny hints of trans autistic Norrell and Childermass with CP because when do I not. As ever, Childermass with CP is Moll's headcanon and I merely borrow it. Not sure any of that is evident if you're not looking for it though. It's more that I no longer possess the ability or inclination to write Norrell as cis and either of them as abled.

**11\. things you said at the kitchen table**

"What's there between you and the master?" says Hannah, tea in hand.

"What's there between you and Dido?"

"Oh, any number of things," says Hannah, raising an eyebrow. "Your turn."

"Nothing," says Childermass. "Nothing at all."

"Explains why he watches you when you're not looking."

"That's just his - what?"

"Oh, didn't you notice?" Hannah is somehow managing to sip her tea smugly.

"You're making that up," says Childermass.

"Am not."

"...what kind of watching?"

"Like he'd trust you with his life," says Hannah.

"Oh," says Childermass, and resolutely does not think about this. He says, "So, you and Dido..."

 

**6\. things you said when you were crying**

Norrell stares at him defiant, eyes bright with unshed tears, and says, "Go on, then."

"Go on and what?"

"Laugh."

"Because you're in pain?" Childermass shakes his head. "I'm not that sort, sir."

The scraping sound of ice-against-ice echos from the roof again, and Norrell flinches. "I shouldn't be," he says bitterly. "It would not reduce anyone else to tears."

"Can't see as that matters," says Childermass. "Pain is pain no matter what's causing it."

"You're not going to mock me?"

"No."

Norrell relaxes fractionally, and Childermass tucks this away, another tiny piece of the puzzle that is Gilbert Norrell.

 

**7\. things you said when i was crying**

Childermass bites his lip, hard, and tries to stop the rising tears, tells himself he's used to pain, but it's no good. He can't remember the last time his legs were this bad, and there's an old wound from last year giving him trouble too. He breathes, in, out, slowly.

Norrell looks at him and then away. He says quietly, "Perhaps you ought to go rest."

"I'm fine - "

"It would be inconvenient if you were to collapse while fulfilling your duties. Do not expect me to catch you."

Childermass lets out a small startled laugh and does as he's told.

 

**2\. things you said through your teeth**

"A doctor would be better," says Childermass. "I'm only used to stitching up my own wounds."

"No. A doctor would find out," Norrell says, teeth clenched and fists tight. "I cannot remove my shirt without being discovered, and he would insist. I cannot be -"

"I know, sir," says Childermass. So he cleans the cut on Norrell's chest, keeping his touch as soft as he can, giving him brandy and ice for the pain; Norrell still makes snappish little complaints, but Childermass does not take offense.

Instead he takes the trust Norrell gives him, and holds it in careful hands.

 

**12\. things you said after you kissed me**

Norrell's hands are very gentle on Childermass's face. He kisses uncertainly - as if he does not quite know what he is doing, or what his welcome will be.

"I should not have done that," he says when he pulls back, and his voice is shaking. He is afraid, Childermass realizes. He thinks he knows of what.

Childermass is struck by the urge to sooth, protect; he reaches out and holds Norrell's shoulders, steadying him. He says nothing. He only leans forward again, catching Norrell's mouth in another soft tentative kiss. Showing him that, if nothing else, he is wanted.

 

**1\. things you said at 1 am**

Norrell's lips are pressed tight as he traces Childermass's scars - not the first time he's seen them, but the first time he's touched them. 

He says, "I would find the man who did this to you and have _him_ whipped."

"Do you no good. He's dead."

"Good," says Norrell fiercely, artlessly. "No-one is allowed to do that to you. You are-"

He stops just before _mine_ ; Childermass hears it anyway.

It shouldn't break him open, leave him vulnerable; it shouldn't give him hope that perhaps, just perhaps, the world won't tear them apart; nevertheless it does.

(He should know better.)

 

**14\. things you said with no space between us**

Childermass can feel Norrell's breath on him, can almost taste him. The air is taut with anticipation but he draws the moment out anyway, spinning it heartbeat by heartbeat into an almost physical presence. Norrell's waist, the comfortable fabric of his coat and the comfortable flesh beneath, is soft under his hands. The smell of clean skin and old books is all around him.

"If you're going to just stand there I might as well go back to working," says Norrell, and the spell is broken. Childermass makes an amused sound that's not quite a laugh, and finally kisses him.

 

**5\. things you said while we were driving**

The trip to London is long and tedious, which gives them plenty of time to talk about arrangements.

"We have to be discreet, sir."

"I know that." Norrell looks away. "It is not safe. There will be people seeking scandal."

"And you must be above reproach." 

Norrell reaches out and Childermass takes his hand.

"Hadn't we better begin as we mean to go on?" Childermass asks quietly.

"Not yet," says Norrell. "Please. Just for now."

And Childermass gives in - because he wants to. Because he knows this will be the last chance.

They ride into London still holding hands.

 

**20\. things you said when we were on top of the world**

"It worked," says Norrell, hands flapping in delight. "They said it was an excellent idea. They said I have done a great service for the British navy."

"See there," says Childermass, "I told you."

"Your help was very useful. You were quite right about the ships."

"Well, I was a sailor."

Norrell looks down. "It is going better than I hoped," he says. "We are succeeding."

"We," says Childermass.

"Yes," says Norrell, and reaches for his hand. "Without you - "

He will not say anything more, but Childermass knows. So he laces their fingers together and risks just one kiss.

 

**9\. things you said when you were drunk**

As it turns out, convincing Norrell to go to Viscount's party was a bad idea. He is a maudlin drunk, it seems.

"Why didn't he come, Childermass?" he says, curled up miserably on his bed and staring at the floor.

"Who, sir?"

"The Raven King."

"...I'm sorry, sir," says Childermass. "I don't understand."

"I called and called," says Norrell. "I thought he would fix me. I thought he would make everything all right. But he never came."

"Sir," says Childermass, and reaches out.

But Norrell has fallen asleep.

Childermass brushes the hair from Norrell's forehead and leaves him to it.

 

**13\. things you said with too many miles between us**

Childermass is excellent at reading between the lines.

This is a skill that has served him very well throughout his years with Norrell, who is secretive and nervous and poor at voicing his thoughts. Childermass knows when a complaint is really a worry; when fussing is really expressing concern; when irritation is really fear. He knows Norrell's moods inside and out.

So when Norrell sends him a letter that says _things have fallen into a dreadful state of repair with you gone; conclude your business as quickly as possible and return_ , Childermass knows it means _I miss you, come back._

 

**3\. things you said too quietly**

As soon as the chamber's door closes, Childermass pulls Norrell close and kisses him  with an unplanned fervency quite unlike himself. Norrell squeaks against his lips and then melts into it.

After, he says "It's not that I object, but I don't know why - "

"It was foolish," Childermass whispers. "You could have made a very powerful enemy of the Duke. But all the same..."

"Oh," says Norrell. "That. I do not care. He was being rude. You're my - " He reddens, and he mutters something Childermass doesn't catch.

But he thinks he knows the meaning anyway, so he kisses him again.

 

**8\. things you said that made me feel like shit**

Strange leaves.

Norrell says nothing as Childermass sets a glass of brandy in front of him, only gives him a questioning look.

"It will help," says Childermass.

Norrell shrugs and sips, wincing as he swallows. He says, "I am all alone now."

It steals Childermass's breath. He wants to say _I have not left you_ , but he knows what Norrell means. He means there is no other magician. And that cuts deep, because Childermass can do magic, has read the books, knows the theory, but it will never count. 

He is only a servant. He will never be anything else.

 

**19\. things you said that i wasn’t meant to hear**

"You ought to dismiss Childermass," says Lascelles.

Norrell looks up. "Oh no," he says. "I could not do without him."

Lascelles snorts. "What service can he possibly do you that a more respectful man could not?"

"A great deal," Norrell says. "He knows everything about the world and my business. No-one else knows so much."

"I am sure you could find some other - " begins Lascelles.

"No. I need him," says Norrell in a tone that brooks no argument. "That is all there is to it."

Childermass slips away from the shadows at the back of the library, fists clenched tight.

 

**4\. things you didn’t say at all**

There are always things Norrell doesn't speak of. 

Sometimes when Norrell tries to talk, his words desert him. Sometimes he seems to want to talk, but does not try. Sometimes he shuts his mouth tight around his secrets and will not be coaxed.

There are matters which Childermass only learns from others; the true nature of Lady Pole's malady, the summoning. There are matters Childermass knows without a single word spoken.

Between that: things unsaid that Childermass knows but wants to hear.

_I need you. I trust you. You are important to me._

But Norrell has never found the words.

 

**10\. things you said when you thought i was asleep**

Childermass thinks it's a fever-dream at first. Someone coming into his room, laying a hand on his forehead - he'd know Norrell's footsteps, the weight of his touch, anywhere.

In tones of anger that mean fear disguised: "You cannot die, Childermass. I forbid it."

Sigh. Then, quieter, "Perhaps you were his answer. And now I might lose you."

By the time Childermass wakes, Norrell has worked himself into a fit about the Scopus. He'd never claim the words. But Childermass remembers. 

He wonders what question Norrell asked John Uskglass, so long ago, that Childermass might be the answer to it.

 

**17\. things you said when we were the happiest we ever were**

The change is hard to watch.

Childermass can see Lascelles working. He is powerless to stop it. The trouble with Lascelles, of course, is that he has far fewer scruples than Childermass himself.

Little comments of the sort designed to manipulate Norrell - things like Childermass has used, but never so malevolently. Demands and groveling both. Dirty tricks, all of them.

Childermass knows precisely why he is losing, and cannot stop it. That does not make it any easier to watch all the little things that once meant "I am yours and you are mine" dropping slowly away like autumn leaves.

 

**16\. things you said when you were scared**

"Mr Strange could be here any moment," says Norrell. "I think he will be very angry. He has every right to be angry."

Childermass sits down on the bed beside him. "And are you afraid?"

Norrell closes his eyes. "Yes," he whispers.

Childermass sighs, and turns to Norrell and gathers him in his arms in a way he has not for years. Norrell buries his face in Childermass's shoulder; his hand clutches tight to the back of his jacket.

It's not safe, not here and now. Nevertheless Childermass does not let go.

Just for a moment. Just for one moment -

 

**15\. things you said that i wish you hadn't**

"You must go," says Norrell, and Childermass won't give Lascelles the satisfaction of a reaction. So he goes, with a cutting comment, because he _hurts_. He wants, in that moment, for Norrell to know that. To hurt too, in some small way.

And then he buries it all and leaves. He does not think about the crack in Norrell's voice in the middle of the sentence. He does not think about the knifelike twist of the words. He does not think at all.

It is not until later that he begins to feel again.

He soon wishes he could stop.

 

**21\. things you said after it was over**

_Found written in tiny, neat handwriting on the back of a rain-making spell:_  
1\. You knew me better than anyone else in the world.  
2\. Thank you for your patience with me.  
3\. What will I do without you?      
4\. I need you.  
5\. I should not have sent you away.  
  
_Found written in a sideways scrawl on the underside of an old envelope:_  
1\. You were the first person in a long time to trust me.  
2\. You made me realize I could be someone.  
3\. I wish we could have gone home.  
4\. I wish I did not miss you.  
5\. Did you ever know me at all?


End file.
